My First Playboy

Now I know what you're thinking.  "Commish you're such a fully grown red blooded, all american, beer drinking, money making, football watching, baseball loving, milk enthusiast man! There is no way this could be your first run in with a playboy."  Well the jig is up guys, I'm just not the man you thought I was.  One time in like 7th grade I found one of my friend's parent's Penthouse.  That's about the extent of my exposure to adult magazines.

Now that I've lifted that huge burden from my chest we can move on.  What I discovered while perusing the pages of the April 2014 Playboy is that we aren't so much different.  In fact, if Playboy could be a person it would be me, or if I could be a magazine it would probably be Playboy.  Let me explain.

I went into my first Playboy fully expecting about 100 pages of straight tit pics.  Nothing too graphic, more like the soft porn thats on Cinemax late night.  You fiends know what I'm talking about.  Anyway, what I realized is that it is mostly intellectual articles, with some awkward humor and random titties floating around the pages.  Articles for this month included a very interesting piece on the state of Chicago entitled "To Live and Die in Chiraq" and a massive interview with comic legend Stan Lee.

So yeah, this is basically me in a nutshell.  The outward appearance is that I'm only about chasing tail and being a doucher, but in actuality I'm an intellect, with a pretty uncomfortable sense of humor that happens to like naked girls.  Boom.  Playboy = Commish.  Good talk guys.

Goodbye CJ2k

Goodbye.

I knew this day was coming, but damn. Chris Johnson was owed a large sum of money throughout the next couple of years and it became a price my beloved Titans would not pay.

It all started six seasons ago when a skinny black dude with long, thick, danky-ass dreads ran the fastest 40 yard dash time in the history of the NFL Combine. When the Titans picked him late in the first round, I had virtually no clue who he was, considering he came out of East Carolina, a team from the (frantically Google searching)...oh, that's right, the powerhouse Conference-USA. I thought to myself, "Ok, why wouldn't any of the big schools want this kid?" Then I realized he was dumb as shit.

Well whatever, he seemed good, I was happy. VINCE YOUNG AND CHRIS JOHNSON RUNNING THE OPTION! Unstoppable. And besides ensuing suicidal thoughts and severe depression, they really were.

Johnson won his first 10 games in Tennessee thanks to stellar quarterback play from what seemed like a  future HOFer in Kerry Collins. Then came the 2,000 yard season in his second year and I thought we had ourselves an all-time great. Many people thought it was fluke, but I dismissed those comments 'cause he was cocky as hell, and wanted to always talk about how he was going to break the record.
He didn't break it.

He plateaued after '09 and never reached even 1,400 yards again. It's going to suck watching him play in another uniform next year, and if would somehow go to another team in the AFC South, I might jump off a bridge with Mr. Sandman (see Desean Jackson to Redskins).

The Titans are obviously looking good for next year, just like they would if a handicapped person was playing quarterback, they are ALWAYS looking good. They have to ride the backs of Shonn Greene, newly-signed Dexter McCluster, and battering-ram Jackie Battle to fill in the role Johnson is leaving. There are also talks of them drafting a similar running back to CJ, in Tre Mason. And by similar I mean his hair is also braided.

Once again, it's been real CJ, our team IQ will never be the same.

The shit you find on Craigslist

On this gorgeous 80 degree day, I thought what better to quench my thirst than some Ron Burgundy milk?  Even better, how about some fresh breast milk? Yea, thats it!  But if only I could find some of nature's most delicious liquid.
Well, that's why we have craigslist, I guess.  This lady is Camden County is actually selling her excess breast milk on craigslist.  Can only hope to see her at the farmer's market this weekend!

http://brunswick.craigslist.org/bab/4360785232.html

P.S.  drinking random breast milk is repulsive.  drink at your own risk.

New Song: Days in the East

Well apparently Drizzy has been getting busy.  Hey look I can rap.  I'm not even going to bother trying to blog about this one.  Here's the link to download.

https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/142830556/download?client_id=b45b1aa10f1ac2941910a7f0d10f8e28

New Song: Draft Day - Drake

Well God damn.  If there's one thing I love more than artichokes dipped in melted butter it's when music and sports figures hang out/are besties.  This whole Drake adopting the young studs thing makes me pretty hard not gonna lie.  Drizzy Drake just drips some nastiness all over everyone.

Now for the seriousness, let's rank each of these dudes in their chosen profession.  We'll start with Drake.  While Drake has conquered the craft of soft, almost r&b type rapping he still falls short of some of the others in his profession.  Just as a prelude this is a power ranking of active rappers, so obviously 'Pac and Biggie will be excluded from the list.  On top of the game right now has to be King Kendrick.  Kendrick Lamar.  Kendrick Lamar.  Kendrick Lamar.  Literally every word that he spits drips with gold.  Can't wait for his album to come out this year.  Drake could easily fall second, but I just can't bring myself to do it (sorry Cody).  J. Cole has to go here.  Every song on Born Sinner captured my attention.  I just can't say the same about Nothing was the Same.  Drake is good, he's probably third, but I don't think he's got the crown right now.

Next is Johnny because he's got the most media attention right now.  Dude just had his pro day and came out swingin some dick around.  When you're listening to A$AP Ferg while tossing a football around on a dime I immediately respect you more.  I honestly think he's the best quarterback in this draft.  He's more mobile than Teddy, better with the rock in his hand than Bortles and the other point men aren't even in the same class as Johnny.  Hopefully he goes to a good situation and is able to succeed.  Really none of the teams at the top of the draft this year are too bad.  Houston is a solid team, the rams don't have that many holes, the Jags got a lot better this offseason, any of those places will work for him.

Finally we can move on to Andrew 'Wiggle It' Wiggins.  The guy can ball.  Decent court vision, he can score as witnessed by the 41 he threw up against West Virginia.  Only concern here is that he doesn't have the broad shoulders that Lebron has and I'm not talking about his physical shoulders.  He just doesn't seem like he's ready to be the leader of a team and carry them to wins they don't deserve.  Lebron looked ready in high school. Wiggins may develop that, but I'd be wary if I were an NBA team.  Still clearly the best prospect in this years draft, but I think Jabari is more NBA ready.  Just another humble opinion from the Commish.

Update: Sorry to everyone who already looked at this and missed out.  Here's the link to download the song Draft Day. I had to do it for ya.

https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/142630619/download?client_id=0f8fdbbaa21a9bd18210986a7dc2d72c

Ratking "So it Goes" Stream

For those of you who know and those of you who don't, Ratking is a hip-hop group hailing from New York. They are signed to XL Recordings, notorious for starting the careers of huge acts such as Adele, Tyler, the Creator, and Vampire Weekend. Wiki is the most recognizable voice (check out Wiki'93 EP) along with fellow rapper Hak and producers Sporting Life and Ramon. Imagine the Beastie Boys even grimier and not Jewish (S/O Ben Rome). The album comes out April 8th, make sure to get it on iTunes.

STREAM THE ALBUM HERE VIA NPR: http://www.npr.org/2014/03/31/295737553/first-listen-ratking-so-it-goes

Let's Talk Politics

So I think I just got word that Johnny Gomes will be retiring after this year to pursue a career in politics.
To most, this is probably a shock, but to the few ultra special people in this here world of ours (18% of the world's most special people write for this blog), we all knew this would be coming one day.
He decided to give his exciting announcement, while sporting an American Flag Blazer,  on the very day that the 2013 world series champion Boston Red Sox visit the Commander in chief.
Y'all probably have some pretty urgent questions, and I'm here to help try and answer some potential commonly asked questions.
Potential Question #1:  What position will he be running for?
A:  President.  Pretty embarrassed I had to even answer that one.
Potential Question #2:  What party will he be representing?
A:  He's too hung to be a Democrat.  Too literate to be a
conservative.  Not a pussy, so green party is out of the question.  And independents might be as relevant as broccoli on a big man's diet.  So I'm just gonna be the first one to say he is about to start the America Party ('bout time).
Potential Question #3:  Who will be his Vice President?
A:  Obviously, the people that do not actually know this man are the one's asking this ridiculous question.  He will be his own vice.

Potential Question #4:  Who will he be running against?
A:  Irrelevant.

Gomes '16!






Andrew Jackson-esque